9. Freedom through Forgiveness

Today’s exploration is on finding freedom through forgiveness.

I’d like to open with a quote by Charlotte Joko Beck, who was a Zen teacher, she said, "Our capacity to know joy is directly related to our capacity to forgive.”

We’ve all been there and felt it, the stings of betrayal, pain, hurt, anger, blame. These experiences and feelings are some of the most universal realities of the experience of being human.

Forgiveness is releasing ourselves from holding onto the hurt, pain, anger, blame, and releasing ourselves from the story suffering we carry surrounding these emotions and experiences.

That anger and hurt we feel when we experience harm are natural. It’s natural that anger arises, they draw our attention to what’s going on. They’re signals showing us what requires our attention. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing these emotions themselves, it’s is the dwelling in and holding onto them that morph and distort our ongoing reality.

When we are holding onto blame, anger, bitterness, like an age old wisdom turned cliche, holding onto these emotions is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will suffer. Dwelling in these feelings create increasingly fictionalized versions of reality, reinforcing a specific story we create surrounding the pain and hurt.

### Why do we blame?

Blaming is when we choose a recipient to direct our anger toward. Perhaps we learned to blame ourselves and others in order to survive. We hide our vulnerable hearts behind the armour of blame.

Let’s try an exercise. Bring to mind someone you habitually feel anger and blame toward. Do you have them in your mind? Observe what emotions are arising for you when you hold this person in your mind. And what thoughts and stories are arising as well. What makes them so bad, or wrong. Now take a moment to consider, If you were to let go of considering this person as bad or wrong, what’s the unpleasantness you’d be left to face?

We blame because it temporarily works, it tempers that vulnerability deep down inside. Sometimes it may inflate us, gives us a sense of righteousness, justified, sense of superiority.

Another reason to hold on to blame are misunderstandings surrounding forgiveness. We may hold on to the anger and hurt because we believe that forgiveness undermines justice. Or that forgiving is equal to condoning, forgetting, or not holding ourselves or other accountable.

True forgiveness is the opposite. Forgiveness is about letting go of the resentment, anger, and negative emotions we are holding onto within ourselves, it’s about granting ourselves freedom from the shackles of these sufferings. It’s about granting ourselves the spaciousness of being, and the clarity of seeing. And from that clear place, we can choose to act wisely.

Forgiveness is not about sitting around passively and accepting harmful behaviours as they are.

We can forgives others, and still protect ourselves by setting appropriate boundaries. We let go of the poison that could be eating us from the inside, and protect ourselves from a kind and loving place.

One way that I found super helpful in forgiving others is that when I forgive someone, it’s important to remember that I’m not really expecting them to be anyone but themselves. It’s like thinking, I can trust you to be yourself. I trust myself to take care of me too.

### What happens when forgiveness feels impossible?

Sometimes, the source of our blame, anger, and suffering could seem be so big, or so unforgivable. Such as atrocious acts systemically inflicted onto groups of people. Again, true forgiveness is not about condoning nor forgetting, it’s simply about letting go of that anger and hatred within ourselves so that we can act wisely, and compassionately toward change.

Jumping to forgiveness may not be the wisest action. This is especially the case when one has not yet tended to and healed the internal wounds related to the circumstances that caused harm. If the feeling of unforgiveableness arises, it may be a signal calling us to check within ourselves, and inquire where we may still need to tend to our wounds and to heal.

We can’t force forgiveness, but we can be willing to start intending to forgive. And that willingness plants the seed of forgiveness, which eventually can dissolve the armours around our hearts, and allowing our hearts to breathe, and have access to a fuller breadths of the beauty of existence.

Like just like everything else in life, forgiveness is also a process. It takes practice to untangle the delicate threads of pain, hurt, blame, and heal on deeper and deeper levels.

Here’s a personal story. As I contemplated the topic of forgiveness for this episode, I encountered my own convoluted process of forgiving. years ago, I had a relationship with someone that created a lot of feels of anger, blame, betrayal, and resentment for me. As I let go of that relationship, I also had to let go of those very obvious feelings of anger, blame, resentment, a lot of effort and time later, I got to a state of mind where I thought all must be resolved and let go of. Last week, as I contemplated the topic of forgiveness, I was confronted with residual feelings of resentment and hurt. I was so surprised to witness these feelings deep down inside of me. And of course they had a different quality than years ago. They weren’t obvious and blunt, rather, they were like phantom limbs, residual, and very very hard to grasp. But nonetheless, they were present. I wanted to share this story is because I think it’s important to remember forgiveness takes time, and it’s important to be kind toward ourselves during this very delicate process.

Before we go into the meditation practice, I’d like to share a quote by Nelson Mandela. He said,

**“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”**

## Meditation on forgiveness

If you’d like to join me, I’d like to invite you for a short meditation on forgiveness.

This practice brings our grasping onto past hurts into awareness so they can be seen and released. This practice, though powerful, may not be appropriate depending on your emotional state. So please checkin with yourself and see whether you feel emotionally resources to practice it today. Please also remember that you can decide to stop the practice at any time and come back to your center.

Finding a position where you can be both relaxed and alert, whether sitting cross-legged, on a chair, or even lying down. Try to see if it’s possible to keep your spine upright yet relaxed.

Gently closing your eyes or keeping them downcast, which ever feels most comfortable for directing your attention inwards.

[pause]

Taking a few deep cleansing breaths, and notice whether there are any obvious areas of tensions in your body, if so, feel free to gently release them.

Whenever you’re ready, gently allowing the breath flow back to its natural rhythm. Keeping your awareness on your breath. You may notice the slightly cooling sensations of the in breath, as your breath enters the nostrils, or as it swirls in the back of the throat. You may notice the slightly warming sensations of the out breath, as the breath gently grazes the rims of the nostrils and the upper lip. Notice the sensations of your entire body breathing.

[pause]

Now, bringing the attention to the sensation of your body touching the surface you’re resting on. May it be the chair, the ground, or any other surface. Notice the surface that’s supporting your weight. Gentle, solid, and grounded. Recognize that you can always come back to this place of grounded support. Back to your centre, back to your present.

[pause]

From this relaxed and supported place, gently scan your life and inquire whether there’s anything regarding someone else’s behaviour, stories of wrong-doing, that may feel difficult to forgive. Start by picking an incident that doesn’t feel too heavy or traumatic.

[pause]

As you’re allowing these circumstances to once ore unfold, pause and notice what comes up in your body and mind as you get in touch with these circumstances. What stories of wrongdoing might be arising? Stories of being let down, not meeting your standard as a parent, partner, friend, or human being, of being wronged, or being hurt.

If something arises, acknowledge it with openness, full allowing, and compassion.

[pause]

If feelings of unpleasantness or aversion arises, see if it’s appropriate to lean into the these feelings.

Notice what arises in your body as you stay with these feelings. As you inquire deeper, notice if there are any other feelings behind these initial encounters.

As you inquire deeper into yourself, what needs may you be trying to meet by trying to hold on to the anger or blame? What might be going on inside of you that felt hurt by what has transpired? What pain might you be trying to sooth?

[pause]

Whatever may be arising now, acknowledge it with openness, full allowing, and compassion.

[pause]

As you stay with these vulnerable feelings, see if you can hold the underlying vulnerabilities with compassion. See if you can witness this other person, whom in your story caused you harm, from the eyes of a being who brings you feelings of genuine love. How would this loving being see them? And turning your gaze back to yourself, what would you need that could bring you healing?

[pause]

If it feels comfortable and appropriate, you might want to gently place a hand on your body, wherever it feels most comforting, while holding the other person or circumstance in mind, gently whisper “forgiven, forgiven.” or “it’s ok, it’s ok.” Feel free to choose whatever words that most resonate with forgiveness for you.

[pause]

As you witness whatever is arising now within yourself, see if you can meet them with the tenderness of forgiveness.

[pause]

If forgiveness itself feels inaccessible right now, that’s ok too. Gently acknowledge these feelings that have arisen, and hold them with gentleness and compassion. Then set an intention to forgive when you’re able to. Your intention to forgive is the seed of forgiveness - this willingness to forgive will gradually dissolve the armors surrounding your heart, and gently allow your heart to open.

If you observed any feelings of judgement creeping in about how you’re practicing forgiveness, hold that too with gentle awareness and compassion.

[pause]

In this last minute or so, gently let go of any doing, and simply rest in the spaciousness that has have opened. Allowing for whatever might arise and fade in this space. Allowing your spacious awareness to gently witness, and hold, the vastness of your being.

[bell]

Whenever you’re ready, feel free to invite gentle movements once again into your body. Rotating your hands and feet, and gently rotate your head too. Flutter open the eyes, and become aware of the space surrounding you.

Checking in for a moment, do you notice anything about the quality of your being that might have shifted since the beginning of the meditation?

Just like training physical muscles, which takes time and effort, practicing forgiveness abided by the same principles. Wherever you are today with forgiveness, please remember to meet exactly where you are with kindness and openness.

Before we go back to our everyday activities, I’d like to offer you some inquiries. What did you notice during your forgiveness practice? What felt challenging, and what felt surprising? Lastly, which part of this practice of forgiveness would you like to incorporate into your everyday activities?

Thank you for practicing freedom through forgiveness with me today, I look forward to practicing with you next time. Take care, and may you be well.