6. Mindfulness of Thoughts

This week’s exploration is about the mindfulness of thoughts.

This exploration is very dear and near to my heart. I spent the past 4 years deep diving into myself, both deeply experiencing and understanding my psyche and soul, while choosing how I want to live my life. A significant part of this journey has been examining my relationship with my own thoughts. Just a few years ago, I felt like I was living in constant turbulence. It felt as if I was struggling to keep my head above water in a stormy ocean. My body was in perpetual panic, fighting to stay afloat. The surface of the ocean was so stormy that I couldn't see what was going on. I was plagued by thoughts of existential angst every night before going to bed. As night fell and I found myself alone in my apartment, I was lost in comparisons between the state of my life and what I thought was expected of me. Why didn't I have a partner? Why didn't I have a family? What was the purpose of my job? What was the purpose of my life? I was caught in the same cycle that repeated itself over and over again, while time was passing by. These thoughts also brought with them intense fear, dread, and despair. I tried to make these feelings go away by chasing distractions in my day, whether that be making more money, taking on more projects, going out for food and drinks, buying expensive clothes, or obsessively trying to make potential romantic partners love me.

In moments like that, it was hard to see what was really going on. It took a lot of time and hard work to slowly untangle my mind, my thoughts, feelings, and eventually find a healthy way of relating to life.

Looking back, a few things have become increasingly clearer.

First, I confused the content of thoughts with the ability to think. For a long time, I didn't understand that there is a clear distinction between the content of thoughts themselves and the ability of critical think. Since my younger years, I used to conjure a romantic image in my mind of someone lost in thought, sitting by a cafe window with a book on their lap. This was image representing the epitome of intellect to me. So unknowingly, I was equating being lost in thoughts with being intellectual. I didn't understand that the process of thinking (especially critical thinking) is an ability that is cultivated, and can be called upon whenever necessary, without crowding the mind with thoughts. I confused the content with the process. I didn't understand that I didn't have to hold on to the thoughts themselves in order to be able to think.

Second, I didn’t understand that thoughts are fleeting, and often untrue. I believed that because something existed in my mind, and I keep on thinking about it, then it must be true. For instance, my nightly existential angst consisted of thoughts like "you're getting old", "you're alone", "no one loves you", and "you must be unworthy". and these thoughts repeated themselves over and over again, until one day, instead of passively believing them and trying to make them go away, I decided to simple face them when they arose. During this exploration, I recognized the thought that arose, such as "you're unworthy". I felt the pain, fear, and anger that accompanied the thought. Instead of avoiding these unpleasant feelings by distracting myself, I stayed with them. After a short while, I noticed the thought that only seconds ago seemed like a looming shadow of an insurmountable mountain flickered in and out of existence, and very quickly faded away. And the associated feelings faded too. This was my first realization of the impermanent nature of thoughts and their accompanied emotions. Going a step further, I started to realize that the meaning that thoughts hold is also impermanent. This loosening of my identification with thoughts created more space in my mind to invite deep, gradual transformation.

Sometimes during the exploration of thoughts, we might realize that what's packed deeply in thoughts are the stories we tell ourselves about our lives, not simply as individual thoughts, but as repetitive patterns. The practice of bringing mindfulness to thoughts also helps us shine a light on these patterns, recognize their nature, and decide how to be with them in a kind compassionate way.

To acquaint ourselves with the nature of thoughts, let's try a simple exercise. In the next minute, observe every thought that arises no matter what form they may take, whether words, images, or sounds. And each time a thought arises, count it. And when the next thought arises, count it too. For example, now I’m thinking “my back is a bit sore.” there’s thought 1. “Oh, the rain stopped outside”, thought 2, “a song is playing” thought 3, “hey I think the thoughts are quieting, I’m getting better at this!” thought 4. Ready? Gently closing your eyes or keep your eyes downcast, settle into your body, and let's start.

[1 min]

Feel free to let go of the counting of thoughts now. How was it for you? What did you notice? Did you notice perhaps that some thoughts naturally fade after a while? Did some thought stubbornly hold on? Whatever it is that you noticed, simply recognize them with openness and kindness.

Before we go into the meditation practice, I'd like to share a nice summary I found by Dr. Dan Siegel on the mindfulness of thoughts. He talks about three stages of being with the mindfulness of thoughts.

1. First, recognize the content of thoughts themselves.
2. Second, practice settling back into loving awareness, shifting from being aware of the content to the process of thoughts. Notice the transitory, insubstantial nature of thoughts. And also notice the process of arising and passing, of their impermanence.
3. Third, become aware of the knowingness itself. Being the loving awareness of consciousness. Become the clear space of awareness that is a witness of it all.

Without further ado, i f you’d like to join me, I’d like to invite you for a 15 minute meditation on the mindfulness of thoughts.

### Meditation

Finding a position where you can be both alert and at ease, whether seated, or in any other positions that are available to you. Whichever position you choose to settle into, see if it allows you to keep your spine straight while relaxed.

Gently closing your eyes or keeping them softly downcast, whichever feels most comfortable right now.

[pause]

We will take a few moments to invite relaxation into the body with a body scan, allowing any part of your body that’s holding tension to soften and let go. Start by bringing your attention to the top of your head and slowly scan downwards. Relaxing the forehead, the eyes, the cheeks, jaw, teeth and mouth. Notice whether there’s any tension in these areas. If so, gently let them go. Now bringing your attention downwards, to your neck, shoulders, arms, and hands… Letting go of any tension that arises into your awareness… scanning your torso, abdomen, pelvic area… release any tensions here. and down through the legs, relaxing the thighs, knees, calfs, ankles and feet… all the way down through the toes.

[pause]

Now take a few deeper breaths, breath in calming energy as you inhale, let go of any tension as you exhale [2 breaths] Whenever you’re ready, slowly let the breath return to its natural rhythm.

[15 seconds]

Resting your attention on your breath. Where do you notice the breath in your body?

[5 sec]

You might notice the cooling sensations of the in breath, or the warming sensations of the out breath. You might notice the rise and fall of your chest and belly. Or you might notice your whole body breathing, as an indivisible whole.

[15 sec]

Each time your mind wanders, gently bringing your attention back to the breath, without any judgement for having drifted off.

[20 sec]

Now allowing the awareness to open further, to other experiences that may occur. If sensations arise in the body, gently notice them without any judgement. If sounds arise, become aware of hearing. If emotions arise, notice them with kindness and compassion.

[30 sec]

If you notice you’re thinking, hold this too with the same non-judging attitude. Simply recognize that thinking is happening, and bring your awareness back to the breath and the body. By being aware, you’re once again in the present…

[40 sec]

Where is your attention now? Each time you notice the mind has wandered, you’re strengthening your ability to be in the present and developing a wise relationship with the mind.

[50 sec]

Some people find it helpful to softly name the experience of thinking with a gently, non-judging tone: “thinking, thinking”, simply acknowledging that the process of thinking is happening.

You may notice that if you get lost in the content of the thoughts, they may become a self-perpetuating, and growing tangle. And you may also notice that if you don’t feed the thoughts, they often dissolve on their own, like clouds dissipating against the vast sky.

[40 sec]

If you notice themes or repetitive patterns of thought, like planning, remembering, worrying, or wanting, try naming them in a kind, nonjudgemental way. Name whatever may be present for you. If the pattern is not very apparent, simply name it “thinking, thinking…”

[30 sec]

If you notice any strong emotions arising with the thoughts, you might want to ask yourself, “what am I feeling right now?” allow whatever is arising to be present without holding onto it, recognize any sensations that might arise in the body, and gently hold this too, with kindness, in your awareness.

[45 sec]

Where’s your attention now? In this last minute or so, recognize that it doesn’t matter how many times your mind wanders, each time you become aware of thinking and can return to the present with patience and kindness is a liberating moment of mindfulness.

[60 sec]

When you hear the bell, notice the experience of hearing.

[bell]

Gently flutter open your eyes and become aware of the space immediately surrounding you. Whenever you’re ready, slowly expanding your awareness to notice the larger space.

Thank you for practicing the mindfulness of thoughts with me today. Before we go back to our everyday activities, I’d like to leave you with an inquiry. What’s your relationship with thoughts? Do you notice any thought patterns in your life? And finally, how would you like to bring mindfulness of thoughts in your everyday activities?