3. Loving Kindness

Today’s exploration is about loving kindness. Love is a complex and difficult topic to discuss in our culture. We place heavy connotations around love. For many, its meaning has been reduced to include only a select few, or even just in a romantic context. There’s a fear surrounding using the word love. In my personal experience, I used to cautiously tread feeling and expressing love, fearing scaring others, and an on deeper yet, fearing being rejected once I acknowledge and expressed my true feelings.

Many wise teachers of the world speak of love as one of the foundational principles of our reality. They talk about the idea of self-discovery as not to perfect oneself, but to perfect one’s love. It’s not difficult to see the power of love when it empowers mothers to lift cars off their children or it softens anger and ends conflicts. When we see and feel it, we know that it is the basis of our humanity.

Somehow, we’ve been conditioned to fear love and its potential implications of pain and rejection. Growing up, I learned to reserve my love for a select few, as if the source of that love is limited. But, is that really true? Under what kind of circumstances is that true? At some point, I realized the love I felt was only limited when it’s not coming from a universal source. It’s limited when it’s coming from an egoic place, weighted down by heavy expectations and fear. Most importantly, it’s limited if I’m cut off from giving unconditional love to myself.

One of the first times I vividly experienced unconditional loving kindness was a few years ago. In the fall of 2019, circumstances called for me to seriously bring awareness and allowance to my emotions for 7 days. During this time, I experienced intense pain, suffering, anger, and shame, yet also gradually, a new feeling of vast tenderness. One day shortly after my experiment, I was walking through a busy intersection in downtown Toronto, something I’ve done thousands of times in the past. All of a sudden, instead of seeing a sea of faceless strangers, I started to notice every single person around me. I started paying attention to their faces, gestures, and essences. Instead of mere strangers and placeholders for real humans like what large cities usually create, I started to see them as individuals. I felt these human beings with their stories, pain, joy, struggles, successes, and the interconnected web of togetherness we are all a part of. With this recognition, I felt a great sense of love, unlike any other I’ve felt in the past. It was a feeling beyond the limitations of any expectations or fear.

Though as suddenly as the feeling arose, it also quickly dissipated. However, as brief it lasted that first time, it was a peek through the curtain for me to understand one of the foundational realities of existence - the togetherness of everything and everyone. Which is something I’m fortunate enough to experience many times over in the years to follow.

As Archbishop Tutu says, "In Africa, when you ask someone, 'How are you?' The reply you always get is in the plural, even if you're speaking to just one person. One would say, 'We are well, we are not well.' Oneself might be quite well, but if one’s grandmother is not well, then they’re not well either. The solitary, isolated human being is really a fiction.

If interconnectedness IS the foundation of our existence, what kind of attitude would we then like to bring into this interconnected reality?

I also love this story by Frank Ostaseski, he's the founder of Zen Center Hospice. And he tells a story about a woman named Jillian who is an author and worked in publishing. Her mother had dementia, and was unable to live by herself. So she brought her mother home to live with her. And some days or weeks after her mother had been there, Jillian had gone off to work, and when she came back home, she walked into the living room to find her beloved books, her library, all the things she cared about, scattered across the floor.

Her mother announced, "I'm tired of all these old dusty books. I'm going to give them to my dentist." Jillian was momentarily trapped by her anger. She scolded her mother's attendant, "How could you let this happen?" And the attendant, who was not caught up in the drama, replied, "Ma'am, today I pack these books up, and tomorrow I will unpack them. If this gives a sense of control to a woman who has lost so much, well then, it's OK with me. It doesn't matter so much. I just love being with her."

This story reminds me of the beautiful imperfections of the human experience and the beauty of allowing ourselves to be with and love these very human qualities. When we truly open our hearts up to the world, we may be surprised to experience much beauty, grace, and love in return.

………..

I’d like to invite you to join me for a meditation on loving kindness.

Finding a posture where you can be both relaxed and alert, whether seated or standing, whichever feels most accessible right now.

Gently closing your eyes or keeping them downcast, whichever feels most comfortable.

Taking a few slow deep breaths, and observe the body, if you’re feeling any obvious areas of tension, feel free to release them.

When you’re ready, bring to mind someone you find easy to love, and the feeling is uncomplicated. This could be a loving family member, significant other, child, friend, a pet, or even a spiritual figure.

Holding their image in your mind, breathing gently and recite inwardly,

*May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at ease.*

*May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at ease.*

As you repeat these phrases, hold this loved one in lovingkindness. Adjust the words and images to best open your heart. Repeat these phrases and kind intentions over and over again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind.

… …

Now, widen your circle of caring by bringing to mind a “neutral” person. This might be someone you see regularly but don’t know well or feel strongly about. Take some moments to recall how this person looks, moves, and speaks. Now try to imagine them gazing at a beloved child . . . or struck by the beauty of nature. . . or laughing, relaxed, and at ease. Remind yourself that they want to be happy and doesn’t want to suffer. Then, as this person comes alive for you, recite inwardly,

*May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at ease.*

*May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at ease.*

As you repeat these phrases, hold this person in lovingkindness. Adjust the words and images to best open your heart. Repeat these phrases and kind intentions over and over again, offering your appreciation and lovingkindness, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind.

Where’s your attention now? If you notice the mind has wandered, gently bring it back to holding lovingkindness.

… …

Now bring to mind someone with whom you have a difficult relationship—perhaps someone who evokes anger, fear, or hurt. First take a moment to bring a kind, non-judging attention to your own feelings as you reflect on them. Then, turning back to this difficult person, try to see past the mask. Look to see some aspect of their basic goodness. It may help to imagine this person as a young child, sleeping peacefully—or at the other end of life, as someone who has just passed away. Can you recall something about this person that you admire, some quality of dedication, caring, or creativity? Even if it’s difficult to recognize this person’s goodness, remind yourself that all humans want to be happy. Remember that life matters to this person just as it does to you. Holding them in a gentle attention, begin offering the phrases of lovingkindness that come most easily for you.

*May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at ease.*

*May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at ease.*

As you repeat these phrases, hold this being in lovingkindness. If you find it especially difficult to hold lovingkindness, perhaps wish them peace,

*May you be peaceful.*

*May you be peaceful.*

Repeat the phrases that resonate with you while holding your kind intentions, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind.

… …

Next imagine that you are bringing together all those you have just brought to mind — a dear person, a neutral one, a difficult one. Take a moment to include yourself, honoring the goodness and sincerity you’ve brought to this meditation. Holding yourself and these others in your heart, sense your shared humanity, your vulnerability and basic goodness.

*May I be filled with lovingkindness.
May I be safe.
May I be well.
May I be at ease.
May I accept myself just as I am.*

As you repeat each phrase, open to whatever images and feelings arise with the words. Approach the meditation as an experiment, sensing what words and images best serve to soften and open your heart. You might explore placing your hand gently on top of your heart to see if this deepens the experience of holding yourself with kindness.

The practice of lovingkindness can seem discordant and artificial if you are in the grip of fear, shame, or confusion. Without judgment, include this reactivity in the meditation: “May this too be held in lovingkindness.” Then gently resume your meditation, accepting whatever thoughts or feelings arise.

… …

Finally, allow your awareness to open out in all directions—in front of you, to either side,
behind you, below you, and above you. In this vast space, sense that your loving presence
is holding all beings: the wild creatures of this world that fly, swim, and run; the animals that live in our homes; the trees, grasses, flowers; the mountains, rivers, lakes, oceans; children everywhere; humans living in great poverty and those with great riches; those at war and those at peace; those who are dying and those who are newly born. Imagine you can hold the earth, our mother, in your lap and include all life everywhere in your boundless heart. Aware of the goodness inherent in all living beings, offer your lovingkindness:

*May all beings be filled with lovingkindness.*

*May all beings know great and natural peace.*

*May there be peace on earth, peace everywhere.*

*May all beings awaken; may all be free.*

Repeat these phrases several times. Then allow yourself to rest in openness and silence, letting whatever arises in your heart and awareness be touched by lovingkindness.

[bell]

Gently flutter open your eyes, and become aware of the space immediately surrounding you. And whenever you’re ready, extend your awareness to recognize the larger space surrounding you.

………..

Thank you for practicing lovingkindness with me today. There are many ways of weaving lovingkindness into our everyday lives. For example, Set an intention to reflect, each morning for a week, on the goodness of the people you live with. Then, whenever you remember during the day, silently offer them your lovingkindness. Or, choose a “difficult” person and set a time to reflect daily on his or her goodness. After you’ve offered thoughts of lovingkindness for at least two weeks, do you notice a change in your feelings? Has there been any change in their behavior toward you? These are just two examples of bringing the practice into everyday life. Taking a moment to reflect, how might you want to bring lovingkindness into your everyday life?

I look forward to practicing with you next time, may you be well.