4. Self Compassion

Today's exploration is about self-compassion. If you find the term self-compassion difficult to relate to, think of it as being a friend to ourselves. In our last exploration, we looked at loving-kindness, and now, I'd like to delve into the differences in nuance between loving-kindness and compassion.

Loving-kindness and compassion are two expressions of the same thing. While loving-kindness is associated with relating to joy and wellness, such as when we see someone is doing really well, we feel happy for them. Loving-kindness is when we are resonating in sympathetic joy with another. Compassion on the other hand, is a type of loving-kindness that gently recognizes and holds suffering. When we relate to someone who is suffering with open awareness and kindness, we are embracing compassion.

There is a lot of research on compassion and the benefits of practicing it. Dr. Kristin Neff is one of the leaders in the area of self-compassion, in case you’re interested in a deep dive, I highly recommend checking out her work. I’ll be leaving some links to her work in today's show notes.

Why is compassion an important topic to explore and practice alongside mindfulness? Mindfulness allows us to become aware of experiences, while compassion allows us to become aware of the experiencers. In our daily interactions with the world, we not only experience events themselves but also the humans behind the events. Compassion allows us to recognize these humans and beings behind events and, in turn, cultivate a kind, common sense of humanity.

So, how does compassion work? First, need to become aware of a being’s suffering through mindfulness. Then, we bring a kindness to that awareness, and finally, we recognize the common humanity between their experiences and our own. Difficulties like pain, sorrow, and hardship are not just experienced by a select few, but rather, they are underlying experiences that are common to everyone.

Often, it can be more challenging to show compassion towards ourselves than towards others.

There is a Buddhist analogy that illustrates this concept. When we experience difficult and painful situations, it's like being struck by an arrow. Ouch, that hurts. But then, instead of just dealing with the initial pain, we strike ourselves with a second arrow, blaming ourselves for experiencing that difficulty. We might think that something is wrong with us because we are experiencing this challenge. It's as though we believe "I feel bad, therefore I am bad."

Self-criticism during difficult times is actually a form of survival strategy. It's a reaction to a perceived threat and an attempt to do something about it. However, the threats we face on a daily basis are often no longer truly threatening to our lives, but rather it’s threatening to our sense of self. Unfortunately, the survival parts of our brains cannot distinguish the difference unless we bring conscious awareness to it. Practicing self-compassion helps us acknowledge this tendency to strike ourselves with that second arrow and, ultimately, dissolve it.

Another reason why self-compassion could be so difficult to tap into, is that there some common misgivings surrounding the concept. I have both experienced and witnessed these misgivings and the resistance they cause. They include fearing that self-compassion is equivalent to self-pity, the belief that being compassionate toward oneself is a sign of weakness, or the idea that it is self-indulgent or selfish. Another concern is that fearing self-compassion will diminish one's drive to achieve.

However, scientific research and personal experience have shown that these misgivings are unfounded.

For example, the fear that self-compassion is the same as self-pity is a misunderstanding. Self-pity involves being stuck in a mindset of feeling sorry for oneself, whereas self-compassion acknowledges one's circumstances and allows oneself to feel the associated emotions while offering nurturing support to move forward with intentionality. While self-pity is victim-centric, self-compassion requires radical courage to face life's circumstances, kindness in holding oneself and creating a safe space, and ultimately, taking radical responsibility for taking care of the self.

A lovely practice self-compassion is through a tool with the acronym RAIN.

R stands for recognize. Where we create spacious awareness to recognize the difficult circumstances we find ourselves in.

A stands for allow. Where we gently allow for the emotions, feelings, and thoughts to be present. A quick note on allowing, allowing does not mean condoning any behaviours, rather, it’s to recognize and hold circumstances just as they are.

I stands for investigate, or inquire. Where we feel into the felt sense of what is arising, noticing the deeper layers of embodied experiences.

N stand for nurture. Where we give the vulnerable parts of the self that’s hurting what it needs to heal.

If you’d like to join me, now we will practice a meditation of self-compassion using RAIN

## Meditation

Finding a comfortable posture where you can be both relaxed and alert, whether seated, standing, or even lying down. If seated, see if it’s available to you to position your spine straight yet relaxed. Keeping your eyes closed or down cast, whichever feels most comfortable right now.

Taking a moment to take a few deep cleansing breaths, then, gently return to your normal way of breathing.

[pause]

Now, gently scan your life, and let some situations from the recent past come to mind that might have brought up some emotional reactivity. This could be something in a relationship with someone, at work, or something to do with your own behaviour.

[Pause]

As well as you can, take a few moments to get in touch with the circumstances of this emotional tangle. Bring an interested and kind attention, to help fully access with the feelings, you might visually recall the setting you’re in, the room or space, or the faces or expressions of others if they’re involved. hear any words that were spoken, and feel whatever in your body that arises.

What emotions have become activated?

[pause]

Continue to recognize what’s coming up with a kind intention of letting be. The full allowing, the A of RAIN, has a quality of pausing and making speace for things instead of trying to fit things and make things go away. Simply acknowledging and giving space to what’s here. Notice what it’s like, just to pause and stay present with the life right here, just as it is.

If it helps, you can mentally whisper to yourself, “yes”, or “this too”, or “I can hold this.”

[pause]

This pausing presence, this allowing, set up ground for the next step. Investigate, or Inquire. Inquire into the felt sense of an experience instead of focusing on the cognitive aspects. Bring a gentleness and curiosity to whatever felt sensations you notice in the body as you allow for the emotions to be present.

You might begin inquiring by asking “what’s the worst part of this?” “What might be requiring my attention?” or “what are some core things I’m believing about myself right now?” they might be “I’m unworthy, I don’t know if I can do this, or I’ll always fail.” Just sense if something’s there.

Now coming into your body, what emotions do the beliefs bring up? Is there fear? Anxiety? Grief? Hurt? Anger?

You might ask yourself, “Where do I feel these emotions inside? What do they feel like right now?” notice whatever arises.

You might inquire what are these emotions as sensations? Is it contracting? clenched? raw? throbbing? hot? aching? empty?

You might assume the body posture, or facial expressions that best express these emotions. Then asking yourself, “what do I notice?”

If you still find it difficult to feel anything inside your body, that’s ok too, simply hold this experience with kindness. This too.

[pause]

Stay connected with the vulnerable experience inside, also, listen and ask from a compassionate presence. You might ask, if the most vulnerable, hurt part of myself could communicate, what would it express? And notice if there are any words, feelings, or images that emerge.

[long pause]

And then asking, how does this part want me to be with it? What does it need from me, or from some larger source of love and wisdom?

[pause]

To fully engage with the next step of RAIN, the nurturing, you might breathe consciously, or adjust your posture a bit to get in touch with the most awake, evolved expressing of who you are. Some may call this part their highest self, or future self.

Call on this part of yourself. If yo find this to be difficult, you might want to call on another being, such as a friend, a family member, a pet, a teacher, or spiritual figure, whose love and wisdom you trust.

Staying in contact with what the vulnerable part of your self most needs. Offer inwardly the love, acceptance, forgiveness, or compassion that might be most healing.

You might extend your care through words, perhaps a message that can remind the vulnerable part of yourself your basic goodness. A message that says you’re here, you’re not going away, you care.

If it feels right, perhaps you can also communicate with touch, such as placing your hand on your heart, or anywhere that feels appropriate in a kind, gentle way.

You might evoke imagery, such as seeing your inner child embraced and surrounded with gentle light.

You might also bring to mind a trusted other, offering love, having them bring love into that vulnerability, bathing it with care.

Let the nurturing energy wash through you, permeating the most vulnerable part of your being. Be the holder and the held, offering and receiving loving presence.

In case you’re feeling resistance, or something feels inaccessible around nurturing, recognize that this is a very normal part of healing. Sometimes, especially when we are not used to extending care to ourselves, the sudden influx of care might fan the flame of old pain and hurt buried deeply inside us. If these feelings are too much to handle, it’s compassionate to back away from them, and come back again whenever you feel ready to engage.

[pause]

The final part of RAIN is called After the RAIN. It’s time to cease any doing, and just rest in the presence and the heart space that’s emerged. Relax back and let it fill you, get familiar with this presence. If you find you’re feeling some new or residual difficulty, offer this too, with your acknowledgement and care.

[long pause]

Whenever you’re ready, gently open your eyes and recognize the space immediately surrounding you. Then, slowly open up your awareness to the bigger space.

Now paying attention to the quality of your presence, ask, in this moment, what is the sense of my being, of who I am? How has this shifted from when I began the meditation?

In case extending care to yourself felt especially difficult, I just want to address it again, that it’s completely normal . Recognizing what you need, and offering that to yourself in whatever form it might take in a kind and intentional way is compassion itself.

Before we go back to our everyday activities, I’d like to leave you with an inquiry. What arose for you during the practice of RAIN? What was easily accessible, and what wasn’t? Finally, how might you want to bring the practice of RAIN into your everyday life?

Thank you for practicing self-compassion with me today. I look forward to practicing with you next time. May you be well.