12. Peacefully Navigating Family Dynamics

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Today’s exploration is on peacefully navigating family dynamics. In all honesty, this is an unplanned exploration, and only arose organically in the past week.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been traveling in China with my parents, taking care of my grandfather’s funeral. This is my first time traveling to rural China in a long time. All of a sudden, I found myself facing complete new customs, languages, and most notably, uncharted relationship dynamics.

My grandpa’s brother was the one in charge of organizing the whole event. Through overhearing the preparations exchanged with my mom and aunts, I soon started to recognize the very complex relationship dynamics between siblings in my grandpa’s family. It’s the tale as old as time, a misspoken word here, a misunderstanding there, causing a bit of resentment, which then grew into a seemingly insurmountable wall that separated brothers who used to be friends. Eventually, the strongly held opinions continued to perpetuate the stories being told, reinforcing thoughts that grew into beliefs, and beliefs into ways of being. While observing these dysfunctions, I also got to feel the care and love from my aunts, whom I usually don’t get to spend time with, since we all live on different continents. I couldn’t help but to think, “What’s the point of holding on to these harmful beliefs and behaviours? Why not sort things out like adults?”

As I observed and relationships “over there”, I suddenly started to recognize my own attitude toward “these people” who are “others” than myself. It became especially apparent when I started to be personally involved in conversations. I recognized my own resistance, annoyance, and judgement, whenever someone in my extended family tried to convince me that having a child is the most important thing one could do, or hoping that I would one day be saved by Jesus the one true God. The quick judgemental thoughts of “how backwards can you get”, or “you don’t know me” flashed through my mind. But wait, when I’m thinking this way, am I not judging? And when I’m judging from a reactive place, am I not also falling into the same trap of “I’m right and you’re wrong?” reinforcing my own stories of my own reality being the “correct” one?

A lot of times, I found it difficult to respond to these thoughts and feelings in the thick of things. While these conversations were happening, my first reaction was exactly that, a reaction, and not a response. That first moment when the words “You should have a child.” went into my ears, my immediate thought was “Don’t tell me what I should or should not do.” Thus my verbal reaction was sharp and oppositional. It wasn’t until afterwards, when I had some space, did I recognize what happened. I recognized two realities at the same time, the reality of my relative’s and my own. My relative, who is used to a specific culture, its norms and beliefs, sharing with me what they thought was good for me from a place they considered as normal; and my own specific world view, mixture of cultural upbringings, value system, triggers, as well as what I think is good for me. That moment of reaction within me was triggered when the two world views came into seeming disharmony, as perceived by me.

So what would I choose to do differently next time? I would practice creating a bit more space, perhaps just one breath, before responding verbally. It doesn’t mean the space will be there immediately, however each time I practice creating that space, the space itself could become larger and more normal, thus becoming able to hold more realities, yet also self care and healthy boundaries. And giving space to the response that follows, to take on more intentionality, kindness, and compassion.

After all, what is family, if not relationships which allow the most unfiltered parts of ourselves to show through? As a mirror, family relationships allowing for true reflection of who we are, and in turn, decision on how we’d like to be.

## Meditation

Finding a position where you can be both alert and at ease, whether seated, or in any other positions that are available to you. Whichever position you choose to settle into, see if it allows you to keep your spine straight while relaxed.

Gently closing your eyes or keeping them softly downcast, whichever feels most comfortable right now.

[pause]

Taking a few deep grounding breaths. And whenever you’re ready, allowing the breath to flow back to its natural rhythm.

[pause]

Taking a moment to scan your life, and bringing to mind a family dynamic that might be causing you some discomfort or challenges, from which you would like to gain some insight, or find support for your well-being. If this type of exploration is new to you, please be mindful to pick a situation that is not overly challenging or traumatic.

Bring an interested and kind attention, and take a few moments to get in touch with the circumstances where you observed this dynamic. To help fully access these feelings, you might visually recall the setting you were in, the room or space, or the faces or expressions of others involved. Hear any words that were spoken, and feeling whatever might be arising in your body.

What emotions have become activated? See if it’s possible to name these emotions that are arising. If nothing is arising for you, also recognize this to be what is happening, right here, right now.

[pause]

Continue to recognize what’s coming up with a kind intention of letting be. The full allowing has a quality of pausing and making space for things instead of trying to fix things and make things go away. Simply acknowledging and giving space to what’s here. Notice what it’s like, just to pause and stay present with the life right here, just as it is.

If it helps, you might mentally whisper to yourself, “yes”, or “this too”, or “I can hold this.”

[pause]

What thoughts might you be noticing? And what beliefs might be arising surrounding this particular dynamic? This could be a belief about yourself, the other, or about your relationship. A belief could sound like, this will never change; we’ll never be able to communicate; they’ll never understand me.

[pause]

What emotions are you noticing to be accompanying these beliefs? Might you be able to name them?

[pause]

As you continue to allow for the thoughts and emotions to be present in relation to this specific dynamic, see if you can bring a kind and curious attention to what is physically arising within you. While mental recognition can be a gate way to insight, full embodiment could allow for even deeper wisdom.

Feeling into the body, what do you notice that is arising right now? What physical sensations might be accompanying the beliefs and emotions?

Is it possible to name the sensations that are arising?

If you’re not noticing any sensations, that’s ok too. Simply recognize that this is the case, that no sensations are arising. This too is a moment of mindfulness.

[pause]

If it feels appropriate in this moment, taking a second to get in touch with the most vulnerable part of yourself that is feeling the sensations, emotions, and thoughts. What might this part be communicating with you? What could this part of you need most under these circumstances?

[pause]

Staying in contact with what the vulnerable part of your self most needs. Offer inwardly the love, acceptance, forgiveness, or compassion that might be most healing.

You might extend your care through words, perhaps a message that can remind the vulnerable part of yourself your basic goodness. A message that says you’re here, you’re not going away, you care.

If it feels right, perhaps you can also communicate with touch, such as placing your hand on your heart, or anywhere that feels appropriate in a kind, gentle way.

You might also bring to mind a trusted other, such as a family member, spiritual figure, friend, pet, or any other being you feel comfortable with, and have them bring love into that vulnerability, bathing it with care.

Let the nurturing energy wash through you, permeating the most vulnerable part of your being. Be the holder and the held, offering and receiving loving presence.

In case you’re feeling resistance, or offering care feels inaccessible, recognize that this is a very normal part of healing. If whatever feelings that are present feel too much to handle, it’s compassionate to back away from them, and come back again whenever you feel ready to engage.

[pause]

From this place of insight and or inner resourcefulness, see if it’s possible to shift your attention to the other person or people involved in your dynamic. See if it’s possible to empathise with what beliefs they might be expressing in the context of your dynamic?

[pause]

What might they be needing in order to be well and happy?

[pause]

Is it appropriate, or available within yourself to wish them happiness, wellbeing, peace, or forgiveness?

If it feels appropriate to do so, gently offer these wishes of happiness, wellbeing, peace, or forgiveness.

If it feels inappropriate to do so, recognize that this too, as a moment of mindfulness.

[pause]

In this last minute or so, feel free to cease any doing, and simply bathe in the heartspace that has opened. If you notice residual challenges, thoughts, or feelings arising, allowing them to be just as they are, simply being present, aware, resting in your own spacious awareness.

[pause]

At the sound of the bell, notice the sensation of hearing.

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Whenever you’re ready, gently invite movement into the body. Slowly opening the eyes, and becoming aware of the space surrounding you.

Taking a moment to reflect. What do you notice about the quality of your being after the meditation? Did any insights arise? If so, how might these insights support you in navigating your future family dynamics?

Thank you for practicing peacefully navigating family dynamics with me today. I look forward to practicing with you next time. Take care, and may you be well.